Self-Flagellation

Many years ago, the United States had a black president. It’s hard to believe now, I know, but it happened. It was a once-in-a-lifetime moment, a fluke. Then America said, “Okay, you had a leader from an underrepresented sect of the country, now prepare to die.”

On the heels of this man, Barack Obama (it’s a strange name, innit?), came Donald Trump, who we now refer to as O Holy One Who Saved America From Women, Jews and the Blacks. He arrived just when we needed him, right when America was about to veer completely off course and allow the proclaimed liberal “progress” of letting a woman be the ruler of the free world. I mean, can you imagine? It would have been a smorgasbord of frivolity in the White House–characterized by slumber parties and, worse, a stockpile of feminine hygiene products for any of Hillary’s female visitors. That was her name–Hillary–she’s not important though. The point is, O Holy One Who Saved America From Women, Jews and the Blacks swooped in and saved us right when we needed him most. I really can’t emphasize enough how close the U.S. was to complete and utter chaos–almost ceded to non-white men in the blink of an eye, and all because people in New York City think it’s the cool thing to be “edgy.”

But thank God for you we’re safe down here. It used to be called the South, but O Holy One Who Saved America From Women, Jews and the Blacks later changed the name of this cluster of states to Dolt Revolt. He also made sure to annex that awful place I was just telling you about, New York City, out into the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, where he still charges too much money for a night in one of his hotels. But like he always says, “If you’re not rich, know your place.” That’s why he never ended up deporting all those illegal immigrants–Mexican, Muslim, whatever–like he threatened. ‘Cause he knows he still needs them to clean his properties and act in the role of “down at heel” so the upper class can feel secure in its place, understand?

Let me see, what else do we have O Holy One Who Saved America From Women, Jews and the Blacks to thank for? The list really just goes on and on, but unfortunately, we’re scheduled for an air raid from Russia in ten minutes. And then North Korea after that. It’s just a drill though, so you don’t need to put on your Kevlar vests this time around.

The group of mixed aged children (K-12 was now just “K” for anyone willing to attend school at all) stared up at their instructor blankly. Little Zara, a 6-year-old girl who had only just now started to learn her ABCs as a result of the suggested educational reform under O Holy One Who Saved America From Women, Jews and the Blacks’ regime, sputtered, “A black wuz prez?”

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