I’m starting to think I would do well in prison. Or at least in the types of prisons they have in Norway (you know, Halden, Bastøy—something luxurious like that). My life is already so limited, so small. I scarcely go out, nor do I have any real desire to. If food was provided for me—three hots and a cot, as it were—I doubt I would ever have a reason to leave my confines at all. The more that time goes by, the more I know this for certain to be true. That there is nothing the outside world can offer me that the inside world can’t in far greater spades. That I’ve been disappointed so/too many times by people (in friendship and in love) that I see no point in bothering to engage with humanity any longer.

Of course, some might say that avoiding humanity is the last thing that happens in prison, but if I went to Norway, committed a crime there and got put into one of their jails, I would have plenty of time to myself in one of those deluxe private rooms. A room where I could carry out my days just reading or writing—the only things that truly interest me anyway. In fact, were it not for those things, I might have offed myself a long time ago.

With such a heavy weight of depression on me at all times, you can imagine how difficult it is to hold down a steady job. Which is why going to prison would be yet another benefit to someone as unsuitable for “functioning in society” as I am. After all, what does “society” want with someone like me anyway? Someone who has always effectively been told, “John, you’re nothing. You’re a piece of shit and you always will be.” I know it’s not “kosher” for a man to cite Pretty Woman, but it feels worth it to mention here that Vivian Ward was right when she said, “People put you down enough, you start to believe it.” And I do.

It would most likely take decades of expensive therapy to undo the damage invoked by how the world has treated me. How it has shown what it really thinks of me: that I am nothing. A waste of space. A sniveling drain on precious resources. Well, then, why not at least be able to drain the “resource” of the prison system? Even if it wasn’t the one in my own country… And so, with these thoughts invading my mind, I booked a flight to Oslo, where I would set about the business of ensuring that the rest of my days were carried out in a manner that I could live with. In a manner that I would find “suitable.” Or as suitable to someone as filled with rage and contempt as I am.

Once in Oslo, it was my plan to spend a few days taking in some key sights in and around the city. Vigeland Park, the Fram Museum, the Viking Ship Museum, a scenic fjord cruise, a show at the Norwegian National Opera and Ballet, a little jaunt in Sognsvann Lake… In fact, it was my deliberate intention to make Sognsvann my last stop, for that is where I wanted to commit my crime. One of the few types of crimes, in Norway, that would surely get me locked up: murder. Not just any kind of murder though—murder on a mass scale. And what better place to do it—to make a splash (pun intended, you know, with the lake setting and all)—than in an area as wholesome as Sognsvann? Was it going to be as psychotic as what Anders Behring Breivik did? No. But it would still make an impact, regardless of the absence of using guns or explosives to get the national and international attention required.

So it was that after strolling through the main cultural sites I wanted to see, I descended upon Sognsvann to assess my “marks.” With knife in tow, I selected each person carefully, appraising them based on my perspective of whether or not they would really be “missed.” Oh sure, you might be thinking, among other things, Who the fuck is this asshole to make such decisions? He’s the one who should be exterminated? Well, be that as it may, I’m the one who had the “gumption” to make such “godlike” choices, aren’t I? Or rather, that day I was. There’s plenty of other deranged ilk (yes, usually of the white male variety) that would make those decisions in the days after me. Just as they had in the days before. But on that day, it was me. I killed six people, just to be very sure they would incarcerate me. And specifically at Halden, not Ringerike—where that fucker Breivik was being housed. I didn’t want him to ruin my experience. The other inmates, I could handle…but not Breivik. It didn’t matter to me if he was in isolation, I just didn’t want to be in the same structure as him (so don’t say I don’t have my principles).

In any case, my plan was going swimmingly (another lake pun) in terms of definitely being incarcerated within Norway. And while I had always known it would be a gamble in terms of which prison they might assign me to, I had truly hoped that multiple murders would inarguably land me at Halden. To my dismay, however, they ended up sending me to the least glamorous joint: Ila Detention and Security Prison (where Breivik was for the first part of his sentence—thank “God” he’s not there anymore). Obviously, by American “standards” for a prison, it was a fuckin’ palace, but still. I was really hoping for the gold standard after all my efforts and moral compromises. For, believe it or not, I really am a very morally upright person. You might even argue that these killings were a way for me to preemptively stop myself from going on a “real” spree, you know? Because allowing myself to stay within the so-called framework of society could have led to me doing far more damage on a much greater scale. Greater, even, than that Las Vegas shooter guy.

So no, I don’t have any regrets about what I did, even if it didn’t get me exactly what I wanted (a.k.a. exactly where I wanted to be). I live in a similar way to how I did before—a life of quiet isolation, minimal interaction (though not as minimal as Breivik) and, most importantly, razor-sharp focus (side note: they even trust you enough to let you use razor blades here). Except that now, I have no pressures or distractions whatsoever. No petty concerns about needing to make money. I can just do the things that I love, the things that truly make life worth living (for me, at least). And all I had to do was kill for it.