The Assassination of Eva Mendes/A Good Man Is Hard to Find

It’s long been speculated that Ryan Gosling is a divine being, created by and from something more celestial than God. More than Brad Pitt, his logical swoon-worthy predecessor, Gosling exudes an innocent and unaware sort of sex appeal that makes him as irresistible to women as rom-coms. And yes, Gosling is the sole reason the rom-com has even managed to sustain itself as a genre. Without his commitment to showing us all that gawky, average girls like Emma Stone can score an attentive boy who’s attractive and generous in bed, many a female holding out hope for love might have slit her wrists by now.

But thankfully, Ryan has remained hopelessly devoted to perpetuating the lie that Hollywood cinema was founded on: that real, long-lasting love is possible. Tragically, the presence of Eva Mendes in Ryan’s life has compromised the authenticity of the lie for many women. Ever since she weaseled her way into his heart while filming The Place Beyond the Pines back in 2011, his credibility as a man who can really be there for you has plummeted. While other female devotees have maintained that it’s only increased his believability as a romantic saint among men, Daphne Dufresne, a 34-year-old administrative assistant living in Shawnee, Oklahoma, has long begged to differ. And today is the day she’s decided to do something about it.

After equipping her bag full of duct tape, cyanide and a signed, framed 8×10 glossy of Ryan, she enlisted her brother, Mervin, to drive her to the bus station (she couldn’t very well smuggle cyanide through airport security–especially not the amount she was carrying). Mervin didn’t ask many questions on the way; he had always felt rather removed from his sister and the little world she had seemed to create for herself separate from everyone else.

Riding the bus with an overt sense of calm, Daphne put The Notebook on her portable DVD player (her ownership of a portable DVD player should obviously give you some insight into the depth of her out of touchness with reality). This, she said to herself, This was peak Ryan. When you could tell he truly cared. Sure, he was with Rachel McAdams for a long time after that, but she didn’t take up all of his attention like Eva. She didn’t further pull him away from us, his real loves–his fans–by giving him two kids. No. It has to stop now. He belongs to us. Not her.

The next morning, when Daphne arrived in Downtown Los Angeles, she immediately bought a map of the stars from the first vending machine she saw. She tsked to herself, Oh Ryan, you should’ve stayed in New York, where you weren’t half as traceable. And you had George alone to protect you (note: die hard fans will instantly place George as Ryan’s mutt of a dog). And now look at you–living that phony L.A. life, deep in debt from buying a Moroccan restaurant and getting trapped into supporting those daughters. You could have had it so much better–so much simpler–without Eva. Honestly, what can you possibly see in her? And then you had to go and solidify my ire with that damned Golden Globes speech. Well it ceases today. I’m going to set you right again. 

A passing Metro bus honked at her as she crossed the street during a red pedestrian light. She walked for many miles, taking a page from the Manson family and waiting until dark to creepy crawl onto Ryan’s palatial property. The light from the window illumined Eva changing into her nightshirt. What an ingrate. Ryan deserves to see a woman in lingerie every night–not some shapeless top that gives no hint of form. 

Practically bursting with excitement over at last quashing Eva and her unspeakable influence over Ryan, Daphne opened her knapsack and pulled out her wall scaling materials. No sooner had she mounted the window than she saw a bullet shot through a silencer go straight through Eva’s blissfully unaware brain. Daphne gasped. Who could have been bold enough to take away this privilege of assassination from her? This absolute right. Then, the brief contemplation that maybe Ryan had done it himself made her beam with joy. That is, until she saw the true source of the gunshot: a blonde teenager wearing a Murder by Numbers sweatshirt, cutoff denim shorts and high-top Converse. She was clearly a fan.

At that moment, she looked up at Daphne, winked and mouthed, “A good man is hard to find.” Yes, Daphne knew this much too well. She was still going through a very painful divorce, one predicated on her husband’s adultery. But at least now, without Eva in the picture, Ryan could be the good man they had lost for so long–to and for them all once again.

 

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