Hollywood Nights Like Saudi Arabian Days

As anyone with even a cursory knowledge of misogyny in Saudi Arabia could guess, the decision to “allow” Saudi women to drive was not without its long-winded, “deep” thought processes by the patriarchy in charge. And now that female Saudis are finally able to help contribute to the fledgling oil-motivated economy, the truth about why it has taken so long to lift the ban on women at the wheel has come out: according to crown prince Mohammad bin Salman, it was his father, King Salman, that put the kibosh on any notions of letting women take the wheel after the famed “summit” that took place between three 00s icons of tinselly trash–Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan.

Though very few people were allowed access to the myriad headlines spilled across various mediums and platforms in tangible and digital print in the days after November 27, 2006, King Salman’s attention was brought to the “incident” after he heard several reports from close confidantes in the ministry that they had caught their daughters looking at images of the excursion with looks in their eyes that could only be described as “dangerous.” And that’s exactly how the looks were described to then king of the moment Abdullah bin Abdulaziz Al Saud, as Salman was himself the defense minister at the time of the “event.”

As one of the closest advisors and the half-brother to Abdullah (who, in secret, did often dance to “Straight Up” by Paula Abdul), he felt it was only his duty to inform him that his own daughter–peppered somewhere among the thirty-five children Abdullah was rumored to have–was caught among the “list” of adolescents in the “hazard area” of being too negatively impacted by the imagery. And during a period when Abdullah was going to at least vaguely attempt to put “female car handling” among his loose items on the agenda (right underneath kissing George W. Bush passionately), the Western illustration of driving of the “feminine variety” did not bode well at all, and was summarily vetoed before it could officially be vetoed–along with any considerations of permitting Spears or Hilton to appear in the country (Lohan was not a consideration for risk, as she wasn’t in desperate need of resorting to Arabian living at the time).

“The truth was, at first we thought they would try to emulate the careless ways of this terrible trifecta. But now that all three are largely irrelevant (unless you happen to be in Ibiza, Mykonos or Las Vegas), we must confess that there has been no better time not only to let women drive–which has no bearing whatsoever on our doomed and perishing economy–but to let them see just how awry it can go when you’re careless and drug-addled–in short, a drunk whore. Not only that, but we’re repurposing the footage as part of our “What Not to Do Behind the Wheel” segment of the driving course. And naturally, though women can drive modest sedans, they will not have access to anything resembling the Mercedes-Benz SLR McLaren that Paris practically set the street on fire with that night,” commented Mohammed. His father, who had briefly mentally checked out to approve the latest edit of the recycled TMZ video (complete with ironic usage of Paris’ “Stars Are Blind”), heh heh’d as he added, “Or was that just their collective chlamydia?”

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